The Chapter I Never Wanted to Write

A letter to my dad, written from the place where the soul trusts and the heart still whispers, "Please stay a little longer."

This article I specifically created for the love of my life. My dad. My superhero. My everything. My spiritual guru. Everything in one, I will say.

He is currently lying down in the hospital fighting his pancreatic cancer. The truth is, I can’t do anything except give him words of encouragement and constantly reassure him that everything will be ok, and what he needs to do is just rest and focus on getting his body stable again. The tears came out of my eyes, knowing I’d need to be mentally prepared for any unexpected situation that might happen in the blink of a second. Spiritually, I feel calm and know everything is always moving and nothing stays forever. Humanly, a little daughter who loves her dad deep down, hoping he will get another chance to be able to see what I accomplished and the new chapter of what life will offer me that will include him inside the life that I have.

Luckily, the spirit inside me does really have a strong container that led me to stay inside that present moment without letting those emotions consume the flavor or color of what is happening through me right now. The way my soul has seen this unexpected chapter that I’ve rewritten for myself now is in a way of how I choose to be there for my dad. Mixed in between the normal and calm version of me and hoping for my dad to get better, when the truth is I have zero power to solve it but just to be present there to give him a sense of comfort that “I’ll always be there for him.”

A little bit of background of my family: I’ve been strongly raised in a religious base, specialized in Christianity, and I also had this strong culture inside that shaped the way my family behaved. However, a couple of years ago, until 3 weeks before all this happened, I called him, and we talked; the divine connection that I felt in a way of him seeing the present version of who I am was just mind-blowing in a way; my spirit is the one who's talking 1:1 with him without needing the mind to give that sense of approval. It was the pure type of connection I received through the level of spiritual awakening that no one in our family would understand except us. The layer of what we were talking about is no longer driven by emotional intensity, performance mode, or this world’s approval, but by a simple dad and daughter who have a meaningful connection and share a little bit of our life update after we hadn’t talked for a while. One day after we talked, I got news that he was hospitalized. That time, he was still able to communicate and talk, but in 2-3 weeks, his condition immediately went from 10 to 0. He used a ventilator to breathe and is currently in the ICU.

My mind couldn’t think; it simply offered a prayer for his spirit to fight this external condition until it no longer determined his health but rather the spirit inside him, which is much stronger than he is, could cure and cleanse all those external diseases that the medical field has taught us about. They said it was pancreatic cancer, stage 4, but with what I believe, anything can change in a split second, and it’s about how many words and beliefs we put inside until it becomes one who emerges with who we are. Nonetheless, any prayer or support from you guys will help us to overcome this specific chapter that the universe has put us through right now.

It's about the strange space where my soul internally says, “Everything is moving exactly as it should," while the human heart whispers, "Please stay a little longer.” I’m torn between these two, and what I can do is stay inside that present moment without collapsing into some mind-meaning-making situation.

For now, I choose to stop asking life for certainty and simply meet it where it is. Somewhere between faith and grief, hope and surrender, a daughter is learning how to love without controlling the outcome.

And maybe that is the lesson hidden inside this chapter. To learn how to love fully. To pray without doubting myself, and most importantly, to stay present. To be able to cherish every conversation, every memory, and every breath as the sacred gift it has always been.

Your Subconscious Besties,

Liona